How Attachment Styles Develop

From our very first days, we depend on caregivers to meet our needs—feeding us, comforting us, and keeping us safe. When those needs are met in a consistent and caring way, we grow up with a sense that people can be trusted and that we are worthy of love. This sets the foundation for what’s known as a secure attachment style.

But not everyone grows up with that same experience. If a caregiver’s attention and care is less predictable—sometimes warm, other times distracted or unavailable—a child may start to feel unsure about whether love and closeness will last. As adults, this can show up as anxious attachment: craving intimacy and reassurance, but also worrying about whether a partner really loves them or will leave. People with this style may feel “on edge” in relationships, noticing even small signs of distance and reacting strongly to them.

On the other hand, if a caregiver is often unavailable or dismissive of a child’s needs, the child may learn to cope by relying mostly on themselves. As adults, this can develop into avoidant attachment: valuing independence, feeling uneasy with too much closeness, and sometimes pulling away when a partner wants more connection. People with this style might come across as self-reliant or distant, but underneath there can be a fear of losing freedom or being let down.

It’s important to remember that attachment styles are not fixed. Even if you identify with anxious or avoidant tendencies, supportive experiences in adulthood—such as healthy friendships, therapy, or a secure romantic relationship—can help you develop a more secure style over time.

The Three Main Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment
   Securely attached people generally find it easy to give and receive love. They feel comfortable with closeness, can depend on their partner (and allow their partner to depend on them), and use effective communication when relationship challenges arise.
   

2. Anxious Attachment
   People with an anxious attachment style deeply value closeness and intimacy, but also worry about their partner’s love and commitment. When they sense distance, they may feel distressed and use strategies such as increased contact, rumination, or heightened emotions to try to restore closeness.
   
   Example: If their partner doesn’t reply to a message for a few hours, they might start worrying “Did I do something wrong?” and feel the urge to send more messages or seek reassurance.
   

3. Avoidant Attachment
   Avoidantly attached people often equate intimacy with a loss of independence. They may shy away from closeness, rely heavily on themselves, and at times focus on flaws in their partner or create distance when the relationship feels too intimate.
   
   Example: If their partner suggests spending the weekend together, they might suddenly feel overwhelmed, think “I need space,” or focus on reasons why the relationship isn’t right.
   

Understanding these styles is important, because when our attachment system is triggered—whether by feeling someone is “too close” or “too distant”—we can act in ways that unintentionally harm our relationships.

Supporting Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, you may recognise the tendency to crave reassurance, overthink, or fear being left. While these feelings are very real, they don’t have to control your relationships. Helpful strategies include:

• Understand attachment styles – Awareness can help you see your patterns with more compassion.

• Choose partners wisely – Being with a secure partner can help settle your attachment system and foster long-term security.

• Notice your thoughts and urges – Pay attention to “away moves” like over-contacting or catastrophising.
  Example: If you notice yourself refreshing your phone waiting for a text, pause and ask, “Is this helping me feel closer, or making me more anxious?”

• Challenge unhelpful thoughts – Remind yourself that interpretations like “they don’t love me” may not be accurate.
  Example: Instead of assuming “They’re ignoring me,” reframe it as “They’re probably busy at work right now.”

• Soothe your nervous system – Try grounding (what can I see, hear, touch, taste, smell?), cold water, paced breathing, or progressive muscle relaxation.
  Example: If you feel panicky after your partner cancels plans, step outside, notice five things you can see, and focus on slowing your breath before responding.

• Create a “ride the wave” plan – Make a list of activities to manage strong urges instead of immediately reaching for your partner.
  Example: Go for a walk, journal your feelings, or call a friend before sending another message.

• Communicate clearly – Practice expressing (1) what you notice, (2) how it makes you feel, (3) what you need, and (4) why it will help the relationship.
  Example: “I noticed we haven’t had much time together this week, and I’m feeling a bit distant. Could we plan a date night? It would help me feel connected.”
  

Supporting Avoidant Attachment

If you have an avoidant attachment style, you may feel uncomfortable when things get “too close” or rely more on independence than mutual support. Over time, this can limit intimacy and connection. Helpful strategies include:

• Understand attachment styles – Recognise your patterns without judgment.

• Take gradual steps toward intimacy – Set small, practical goals that move you closer to your values of connection.
  Example: If you usually avoid talking about feelings, start by sharing one small detail about your day with your partner.

• Challenge distancing thoughts – Question ideas like “I’m better off alone” or “I can’t trust them.”
  Example: If you catch yourself thinking “They’ll let me down,” remind yourself of times they have been reliable.

• Shift perspective – Remember the difference between reliance and healthy mutual support.

• Practice presence with your partner – Use shared activities (cooking, hiking, games) to allow closeness in a safe, enjoyable way.
  Example: If sitting down for a “deep talk” feels overwhelming, suggest cooking dinner together as a way to connect without pressure.

• Focus on gratitude – Write down qualities you value in your partner and revisit this list regularly.
  Example: Each night, note one thing your partner did that you appreciated, no matter how small.

• Communicate openly – Instead of pulling away, share what you notice, how it makes you feel, what you need, and why it helps the relationship.
  Example: “I noticed I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed with how much time we’ve been spending together. Could we plan some solo time this weekend so I can recharge? It will help me be more present with you.”
  

Moving Toward Secure Attachment

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness, self-reflection, and supportive relationships, people can move toward greater security over time. Being in a secure relationship, or practicing secure behaviours—such as honest communication, self-soothing, and building trust—can help reshape the way you experience intimacy and connection.

Final Thoughts

Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful step toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Whether you lean anxious, avoidant, or already feel secure, there are strategies that can help you respond to closeness and distance in more constructive ways.

If you’d like to explore your attachment style further and how it plays out in your relationships, speaking with a psychologist can help you build insight and develop personalised strategies.